Father Goat Tonsils

By Joe

Following recent accidents involving Dave and me, the world should put a nice cushioning foam on everything. People should have to wear foam suits, and cars should be encased in foam that is about six feet thick.

If you work in a tall building, instead of wasting time with stairs or elevators on the way out, you could just jump out the window. Driving would be a lot easier and more fun; it would be like driving bumper cars. Recreational fistfights would be an expression of joy. And, instead of wasting time getting somewhere from an airport, you could just jump out of the plane at the right time.

Plus, finally, you’d be able to recreate that Ted Kennedy Chappaquiddick incident yourself! And speaking of politicians, you could drive into them whenever you felt like it. At voting time, you could tell how much someone sucked by the amount of scuff marks on their foam.

Have you ever seen those novelty soaps that have a rope molded into them so one can hang the soap in the shower? Well, the latest idea is called “Pope on a Rope.” It is a soap shaped like the Pope molded onto a rope.

Editor’s Note:
Thievery! This product now exists (Father Goat Tonsils posses one). The makers surely stole Father Goat Tonsils’ idea, which dates back to early 1998.

By Father Goat Tonsils

After a long and much needed rumination, Father Goat Tonsils has come up with a new idea. It occurred to me that public buses are not very efficient at accommodating those who use wheelchairs. Instead of lifting the wheelchairs in the bus, the chairs could ride alongside the bus. This would be accomplished by mounting 20 or so special brackets along the side of the bus. When the bus stopped a wheelchair rider would pull alongside and clamp on to a bracket, this would allow them to ride along like a motorcycle sidecar. An advantage of this would be that a rider could pull the release handle at any time and coast to the roadside. They would not have to wait for a scheduled stop. Also the wheelchair riders would not have to pay a fare so there would be no need for them to interact with the driver.

By Father Goat Tonsils

Father Goat Tonsils has been ruminating for a long time now and has given birth to a new idea, pre chewed food. I am sure that most people are aware of the fact that many animals eat food and regurgitate it for thier young. It has occurred to Father Goat Tonsils that some people could benifit from having pre chewed food. It may be that these people have trouble with digestion or some related problem, such as old people with no teeth, just gums. One solution could be a new product line called “easy eats”, an entire selection of foods which have been pre chewed, spat out and then canned.

A whole new industry would spring up as pre chewed foods became widely accepted. Factories would have long tables set up with chewers seated on benches chewing and spiting various delicacies onto a conveyor belt which transports the chewed food to the canning area.

Just think, the next time you meet someone new and ask them what they do for work they may respond, ” I’m a chewer”. The help wanted ads would say, “Chewers wanted. Must have strong jaws.”

By Father Goat Tonsils

The latest idea of Father Goat Tonsils is the aroma phone. The purpose of the aroma phone would be to transmit odors both good and bad over the phone lines. The sending end of this machine would consist of a gas chromatograph which would make a detailed analysis of the smell which one wanted to send. Once the analysis was made the information would be converted into digital format and be transmited over the telephone lines to the party with whom you were conversing. At the recieving end there would be a rather complicated unit which would recieve the data and mix a gas which would have an odor as close as possible to the original smell. The recieving unit would contain a few hundred cylinders of compressed gas of a wide variety. The gases would be chosen by chemical rules and mixed in a chamber. When the mixture was complete it would be analyzed for accuracy and then released into the room where the recipient was. In this way friends could smell your latest spaghetti sauce from across the country or persons which were not your friends could smell other less pleasant aromas.

Editor’s update: Father Goat Tonsils is truly a prophet! Check out these similar products that have actually come into existence:

Smell-phone
Odor Recorder

By Father Goat Tonsils

I was thinking about statues one day and it occured to me that statuary seldom does anything. An idea for a vomiting statue has been stewing in my mind for some time. I thought that it would be cool if plumbing were installed inside of a statue of a famous person (take your pick) such that a kind of artificial vomit could spurt forth from the mouth. It might be nice to have a motion sensor like those used on outdoor lighting to activate the “vomit” pump when an individual was viewing the sculpture. Pressure levels could be adjustable such that the stream would project as far as was desired. You know to strike the viewer with vomit or not.

By Master Billy Dingus

Given all the recent concern about internet censorship, I feel the time has come for a solution. Obviously, it is not possible to keep people from swearing out loud. And current legislation more or less keeps obscene language out of television and radio. But how do we, as upstanding citizens, keep this foul language from rearing its ugly head on the information superhighway? My invention is a computer keyboard without vowels. I have found that most swear words contain vowels. This new keyboard would make it impossible to type in swear words. Of course, some clever computer “hackers” (as they call themselves) might figure out a way to circumvent the keyboards by cutting and pasting, or by using a scanner. But I feel these new keyboards would greatly cut down on internet obscenity. Obviously, one would not be able to type normal words either, but why wouldn’t it be possible to create a clean new computer language without vowels? I think it’s high time we gave it a try.

By Dimbulb

I believe that the expulsion of intestinal gas into the atmosphere represents a squandering of a potentially valuable resource. As we know, people in China have been harvesting “night soil” for years and using it to fertilize their vegetables, which is one reason that raw veggies are not highly esteemed in that country. Using the same kind of logic, ie taking a noxious substance and putting it to good use, I think that a way should be found to trap flatus and that it could be used as a cheap fuel. I do not know how many farts it would take to power a 100-watt bulb but you could get experts to figure that out. I haven’t worked out the finer details of the plan but suffice to say that there would be other benefits besides the obtaining of cheap fuel. If the farts are being harvested in some high-tech manner, perhaps via a modification of one of your other guests’ self-cleaning underwear, one could no longer be inconvenienced by their smell and possibly the embarrassment of the farter would be lessened for two reasons. Number one, he would be proud of contributing to the power supply and secondly, the special underwear would probably muffle sound.Note that the medical field has played into our hands here by recommending a high-fibre diet for all citizens. I would like to apologize for the scatological nature of this suggestion and I hope that it will be taken in the proper spirit of environmental friendliness.

By Megasecret

These days it seems like every other person is a vegetarian. People also seem to be very consumed by animal rights and so forth. The other thing that has been in the news a lot lately is whether cloning of animals should be encouraged. Well, my idea would satisfy everybody, I think.

We could keep the doctors and researchers busy with experiments designed to take advantage of certain species’ ability to regenerate body parts. For example, scientists could make a cow that regenerates itself. You could simply carve out your porterhouse or filet mignon and cook it. The cow would simply grow another one.

The animal rights whiners would have nothing to complain about because no animals would be killed or even harmed that much. Come to think of it, we could bio-engineer animals that don’t have nerves and don’t feel the pain of having their tenderloins extracted.

This way everybody could just own one cow and use it for beef and dairy AT THE SAME TIME! Of course, everybody’s cow would look like swiss cheese from being so cut up so we would call it the swiss cow.

By Lard

The idea comes from the stoves you have over here. You just put the clean button on, and the stove cleans itself. I think it will be a really good idea, if there were underpants that done this for you. Just think, you’d never ever have to change your underpants. You could just set them on clean, the stains burn and crumble and fall out, while you can whistle on the way to work with confidence because you know that you’ve got oven clean underwear

-Editor’s note-
An idea came to me while reading the above idea: Ass-wiping underwear - need to get out of the bathroom fast? No need to wipe, because the underwear do it for you (A self cleaning feature would definitely need to be incorporated into these!)